The Accident


My friend Hank is in medical school. First year. Gross anatomy. Anyway, he finished up with his corpse at the end of the semester and I paid him fifty bucks for the penis. I wanted it to get back at my ex-girlfriend, who has turned into a total man-hating bitch.

So Hank brings me the penis in a plastic baggie. "That's what it looks like?" I say. "You think she'll know what it is?"

Hank takes a bite of a Twinkie and shrugs. "He was an old guy," he says, spewing wet Twinkie crumbs on me. "I guess that happens to a penis when it's old and dead."

Hank decides he'll go with me. Since he's pretty comfortable holding the penis, I let him because I don't really want to touch the thing. We get to Ellen's duplex and park down the street. I've still got my key and I've decided the best thing to do is leave the penis on her pillow while she's at work. We walk up and Hank pulls the plastic baggie out of his pocket. I hear rustling in the bushes, then Ellen's dog Buster jumps out and snags the baggie. He takes off into the backyard with it, and by the time we get there, he's torn up the baggie and swallowed the penis.

Hank takes off, but I sit down on the doorstep to wait for Ellen. I figure I better tell her she needs to get her dog's stomach pumped. She'll probably have me arrested. Well, the cops'll get a laugh out of it. I mean, how often do you come across a dog that'll just rush right up and eat a penis, anyway?

A car door slams and Ellen comes up the walk wearing shorts and a skin-tight t-shirt. She's eating a banana. I stand up and she stops, looking confused, her mouth full. "Ellen," I say, "I'm really, really sorry, but ..." I get no farther. Ellen swallows, throws the peel aside and starts kissing me. Her tongue tastes like banana, the most erotic of all fruit. Just as things are getting really hot, I remember the dog.

To hell with the dog.