The Leaves Are Crunching Like Breakfast Cereal


If you want men to like you, dress accordingly. Wear nothing around their apartments, or blouses made entirely of whipped cream, skirts slapped together from assorted lunchmeats. Unless you are a Vegan. In this case, wear soy. Soy undergarments and soy socks. Suspenders made of fake bacon. You want to give off the impression that you have a sense of humor.

Refrain from using terms like "One Night Stand" and asking, "Where is this thing between us going?" Males like Food Association; any references to "All You Can Eat" buffets are welcome. You can use the term "easy lay", but only if you're talking about the process that precedes the ingestion of scrambled eggs and omelets. Perhaps you should prepare an omelet ahead of time, as evidence that this is all you meant by such an egg reference. An old adage spoken solely by Women-Who-Cook rings true, "Guys won't overlook a Gal who can cook!"

If you want to keep a good man it is essential to keep him hungry. Remember that he is eternally hungry; he was once hungry in Mother's womb, hungry for a zwieback as a teething toddler, and as a member of his Fraternity he ate more Jello than he drank in shots. It is no accident that his pet names for you are, "sweets," "honey," and "double- cheeseburger-medium-rare-with-a-side-of-fries".

If you successfully have your man starving for your affections, the delicious day will come when he asks you to be His Wife, His Partner, and His Chef forever. When he asks you to be His Bride, it is crucial to keep him hanging from a noose of uncertainty, preferably one crafted from licorice whips. Anticipation in love, as in fine dining, is key. Don't just pause, say something devoid of meaning, but brimming with sustenance. Perhaps:

"The leaves are crunching like breakfast cereal."


"As much as I'd love to chew the fat, I have a steak to make."


"When the wind blows this way, it reminds me of being on a boat, which reminds me of fishing, which reminds me of frying shrimp. Do you like my fried shrimp?" And if he is in fact a man, and one that truly loves you, he will most certainly say, "I do."